if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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