like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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