He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
