Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
