i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
