you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
