i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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