tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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