You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
