I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
