Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
