I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
