Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
