see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
