Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
