proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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