I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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