I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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