Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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