I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
