these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
