this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
