the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
