I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
