What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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