How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
