You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
