I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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