So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
