Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
