my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
