Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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