weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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