Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
