Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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