I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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