Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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