The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
