I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
