A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
