soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
