How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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