You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
