Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
