My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
