I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
