Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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