rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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