Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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