im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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