She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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