I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
