the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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