No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
