My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
